This entire process has been one of surrendering. Letting go of control, letting go of expectations and staying hopeful. One of the blogs I read a few days ago said, “Expect the worst, hope for the best”. But that didn’t resonate with me so much. I would rather not expect the worst…I mean, isn’t this whole thing about manifesting what we ultimately desire? There is no room for expecting the worst. But there is a lot of room for hoping for the best.
I’ll hope for the best, and I’ll stick with the art of Surrender, thank you.
I woke up this morning, and like all good mamma’s to be, immediately grabbed my phone and started surfing. Google, “5 days post embryo transfer” please. There was nothing that popped up that I haven’t already read. I’m not really even sure what I was looking for specifically. Perhaps I was hoping for the new random blog that assures me that not having implantation cramps, the pulling, the tugging, the sharp pains are okay – which ironically, nearly all message boards/blogs say. Or, the one blogger/doctor who is adamant that you don’t always have to implantation bleed to be pregnant, which again, nearly all message boards/blogs say. Or hey, if your boobs aren’t sore and your nipples aren’t bigger and darker, it’s okay. This one though, they don’t really address so much. (I remember with my first and only IUI, I had all these symptoms. Boy, were the boobies sore, and boy, were the cramps obvious. I thought I was for sure preggers. But I didn’t get pregnant. Those symptoms were all byproducts of the HCG shot.)
I don’t know what I’m really looking for online, but I’m looking for something. And that something is just anything that will soothe me and tell me that everything is going to be all right, and that in another 5 days, the pregnancy test (blood work at the doc’s) will turn out positive…and then all will be okay. Well, more than okay! It would be the confirmation of a new chapter in our lives, baby!! And what an exciting time that would be!
But back to the Now…this wait really is hard. Harder than I imagined. I mean, this time, it’s different. It’s a full blown IVF cycle, that has culminated in the transfer of an actual good quality, genetically tested embryo that is healthy and hardy. It’s not just going through the IUI process of hoping sperm likes egg and fertilizes her. We’re fertilized. We have an embryo. We know the sex of the embryo, our future baby. It’s different. It’s more real. And so, my heart wants it more.
The mind likes to do all sorts of funny things, go to funny places, think funny things, and it’s hard, really hard, to get it to silence. But I need it to be silent. I need the silence in order to hear. I need to hear the beating of my own heart, and know that the voice of my soul is whispering to me what I already know. “You’ve done all you can. And if it is the right time, then it shall be. No sooner, no later.”
But human tendency is to want, to grasp, to desire, and we frequently forget that there is in fact a higher power that is orchestrating what we see all around us. There is a natural order, a frequency, that ebbs and flows, and despite our ego believing that we have control over our external destiny, we don’t. We only have control over our own inner landscape…how we choose to perceive situations, people, outcomes, and how often we can release, surrender, and let…it…go. We show up, we do the work, and we keep showing up, and we keep doing the work. And along the way, we notice all the beauty that surrounds us in each sacred moment…and that’s the silver lining.
I’ll keep talking to baby today. I’ll keep believing that I’m pregnant until proven otherwise, and I’ll keep hoping for the best, but I’ll leave the attachment to the hoped for outcome at bay. I will eat my last, day 5, pineapple core that gives me heartburn, my 5 brazil nuts, my avocado this morning…I will continue to take my estrace pills, baby aspirin, and I will continue to use those dreaded crinone suppositories that make you feel like you are fermenting cottage cheese in your vagina, and take the even more dreaded progesterone shots in the ass, because the possibility of having our baby come into our lives is worth it. I won’t expect the worst, but I will ABSOLUTELY hope for the best.
Much love,
g.
PS. My husband will be traveling off and on for the next month and I’ll have to start giving myself the awful progesterone shots. Possibly need to start practicing tonight. Any word of advice or best practices will be much appreciated!
Pineapples and Avocados 