On Fear.

17dp5dt (or 5 weeks pregnant, or 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant)

Which is it? The online domaine seem to have a bit of a discrepancy there. The online pregnancy calculators like this one shows me as 5 weeks today, and the blog mommies seem to be posting as 5 weeks and a day. I will confirm with my doctor when I go back in for lab and our first OB ultrasound.

This might be silly, but I finally peed on a stick this morning. Well, two sticks. One is from First Response and the other was Clear Blue. One digital, and one old school pink lines. This is the first time I’ve peed on a stick and seen “pregnant” on both. A very small small tiny voice inside of me needed to see this, to confirm that yep, I’m still pregnant, and another part of me didn’t want to pee on a stick because of the fear of bad news.

The IVF cycles have gone so smoothly.  

It can’t be. 

Something is looming right around the corner.

The other shoe has to drop.

Oh, the fear. Fear is such an ugly beast, and a beast I only know too well. Fear has kept me stuck during multiple chapters in my life and fear has hijacked my brain for I would say, most of my life. That is, until I started practicing yoga. Until I started meditating. Until I started paying attention and staying one step ahead of my volatile mind. Until I made it a part of my life to get in the driver’s seat of my mind.

I’ve always said to my students, Manage your mind, and you change your life.

I still find myself playing the “what if” games in my head which we all know, simply sucks the life out of any situation, but now I’m able to catch myself and put it to bed already. My work has been to release the grip of control and surrender to the flow. More and more I am able to find solace in surrendering to a higher intelligence.  The illusion that we can control anything sits at the root of our suffering. What we can control is our perception. What we think. How we think. How we respond rather than react. How we use our mind. Softening the edges of our mind, and in turn softening our heart in order to excel at what we as Souls having a human experience are here to do…give and receive love.

And so I keep on with the practice…and this morning, I went and peed on a stick just to be tickled when I see the digital words of “pregnant” and those lovely pink lines. It made my heart happy. Joyful. Tickled. 🙂

Now to the symptoms. Yesterday, at 16p5dt, I felt again, slightly nauseous after eating my half avocado in the morning at 5:30am with manuka honey. Teeny weeny. I had a horrible night’s sleep. Couldn’t fall asleep, and most likely, it’s attributed to the amount of stress that’s traumatically bubbled up the last few days. Things are settling down though, thank God. My tastebuds seem to be changing. I usually carry warm water with me, sprinkled with goji berries for flavor which I love. Was drinking it all morning, and suddenly after my teaching my second class and driving to the acupuncturist, I took another swig and the entire thing tasted foul. The metallic taste in my mouth had settled in. Around 12:30, at the acupuncturist’s, I felt slightly nauseous while laying down, but that went away. As I finished my session, I needed to eat for baby and I, but everything that I would usually go pick up and eat didn’t sound good to me. So I settled on some Pho. That went down nice and easy…I was craving something with a little bit more spice and flavor and asian food was perfect.  Didn’t feel quite too hungry at dinnertime…and then woke up this morning famished. Dreams. Vivid dreams for the last few nights. I think some women commented about that online. Fatigue. Still tired, but operable. Peeing like a race horse. 3x last night. The damn progesterone shots are starting to settle in muscle lumps around my hips and those zit like pimple things around my butt cheeks aren’t going away. It’s like having acne on your butt except they itch. Other than the above, not much else. No spotting. Cramping very little. Boobies not really sore, maybe a tiny bit on the sides. Just hunger and changes to my palate, really.

Husband is healing. He’s making some great lifestyle changes and this week off is a good thing for him. My dog seems to be doing better now that I’ve changed his entire diet in the last few days to grass-fed beef, bison, wild atlantic salmon, kale, broccoli and carrots. Everything is organic, everything is fresh. Absolutely no grains or anything that would metabolize into sugar. He now eats better than we do. Better than most of the people in the world. I’m grateful. To think that our dogs have better food than human beings in other parts of the world is startling.

I’m grateful.

I’m grateful.

I’m grateful.

Holding gratitude in my heart for all.